Precipice

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m standing on a precarious edge between success and failure. In order to complete my post-graduate program, I have to complete a 6-week internship. It is already the 5th week – one and a half more weeks to go. It should be exciting, only that there are four of us interning at this company, and two of us have already been offered contracts for the summer. These contracts may very well extend beyond the summer (and perhaps even into a full-time position).

I am not one of the two.

Not only is one of the girls (who hasn’t been offered a contract either) panicking, but so is one of the girls who does have a contract. Girl #1 just got an e-mail from the company, asking her to come in for an interview for a job she’s applied for. Girl #2 may have another job offer from another company – a full-time position. Both of these girls have been driving me nuts. I just want enjoy the internship for what it is and take my time finding my niche, but these girls have been stressing for days, and it’s been affecting me most dreadfully.

They make me feel inadequate and dumb for waiting, for relaxing – for letting life take care of itself. This, of course, is made worse every time I have a conversation with someone working in the industry: there are very few entry-level positions available, all the jobs are going to freelancers, and all this is straining due to the economy.

I knew when I chose this path that it was going to be hard and full of heartbreak, and I’m beginning to scold myself for not going into advertising. But there’s still a part of me, the stubborn and brave part of me, who wants to stick it out and see where it takes me. I am applying for jobs like mad, and this stress and pressure is starting to effect my eating habits.

I ate KFC last night.

It did not make me feel better.

I feel like I need to cleanse for another week or two again, just to rid of the guilt. (I ate smoked salmon salad for dinner tonight!) I really don’t want this crossroad of mine to ruin my health for the rest of my life. I wish someone would just hand me a job, seriously. Then I wouldn’t have to feel inferior or dumb or not good enough.

Everyone in my generation is in despair,

And I don’t know where to go from here.

How can this dream of mine,

Become a nightmare with time?

Let me wake from this,

So that I may find myself.

Let me move from this,

So that I may catch myself.

(It doesn’t rhyme, but sometimes poetry doesn’t have to.)

甄雪清

Aloe | Immortality

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