Dealing with Damage

There are two scratches on my wrist from when I bought my climbing rose. The rose is doing fine, by the way, but the scratches are only now just starting to fade. That was three weeks ago, and the scratches are still visible today, pink lines that are so perfectly aligned that they could have been one . I don’t want them to scar, because that seems to be happening a lot nowadays.

I remember when I was a teen and how I recovered so easily. A scratch here and there, and within a week, the blood clotted and new skin would appear. It was even better when I was a child. I skinned my knee, and it healed over perfectly. I skinned my knee last year, and it left a damn scar. It was just easier back then. It was easier to recover and rebuild.

As I get older, I find that any slight can carve a Hellish hurt into my heart. Not only is my body not as responsive to my need to be healed and healthy, but emotional damage seems to have 10 times the weight of before. I’m not young anymore, and every hurt and pain is now permanent. I can’t gloss it over through a childhood haze or a teenage dream. It’s all so real and it marks me in some way or other.

As the weeks past by, I’m becoming more and more discouraged with the job market. Last week, I had two interviews (lucky me!), but they both turned me down. It’s strange how I felt dread at the aspect of getting work so fast out of school, only to feel angry when they didn’t hire me. I don’t think I’m ready to take the leap into a full-time career just yet, but like I said: damage leaves a scar now.

Perhaps I should do another internship?

甄雪清

Bleeding Hearts | Grace and fidelity

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