I’m Not Special

…And Yet I Still Feel Self-Entitled

The problem with having too little for most of your life, is that you don’t notice when you have too much. That’s how you become a hoarder. I’m talking about, of course, my shoes.

For most of my life, I have subsisted on two (during elementary school) or one (during high school) pair of shoes. There wasn’t ­­­any desire or need to really have more than one, and I always believed my cousins to be excessive in that regard. That was until, of course, university.

In university, a lot of things changed. Without my parents at my side, I found that it was easier not to disappoint them, and easier to just succumb to greed. I bought things—not a lot, mind you—but certainly a lot more than previously. Most of it, of course, was food, but some of it was clothes and toys—things that were not necessary, but fun to have… until you finally have them, of course.

I have always been conscious of being spoiled, and trying not to be. I do not want others to think less of me or my abilities just because my parents decide to help me or buy me things. I want to believe that I can manage on my own, but still be special to my parents (so special that I deserve special gifts, special food, and special everything).

It was not until a week ago when I heard my brother’s girlfriend comment on my shoes: “God, I remember when I used to have that many shoes. I wish I still had them. Where does she put them all?” It was then that I realized that I am very spoiled and that I have been throwing “temper tantrums.” During high school, there was not a lot of conflict inside of me. I did not rebel or talk back to my parents.

University changed everything.

Because in university, I began to live with my brother and note the differences in how my parents treated him and I. I am jealous of him, I admit, and I get angry at him for no reason (just like all girls are prone to do, I suppose). But that does not mean that some of my anger is not justified.

It is boggling because my brother does not feel the friction or the rivalry. It is in my imagination. When he was off at university, I had our parents to myself. I never did share very well…

The point of this blog entry is that I have to control myself and see beyond face value. My parents do not love my brother more than me. They do not love me more than my brother. I do not deserve more than my brother, and he does not deserve more than me.

This is the same with everyone I know and compare myself with. Nothing destroys your self-esteem and confidence than job searching. Nothing says just how worthless you are quite like being told you are not the one they are looking for, sorry, and we wish you luck. After all those years in university, college and internships…

I am not better than anyone else.

I cannot feel entitled just because of that.

I cannot be pretentious or prideful.

I cannot ask for more than what is possible.

Because I am not special.

This sums it up:

甄雪清

Lythrum | Pretension

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